“God, can I just ask why?”
We know we aren’t the only family who has experienced hardship or challenges. We know we aren’t alone. We know many others have had it worse.
But the WHY is still there.
Should I sugar coat it or cover up our emotions? Should I sit here and act like we got it all together?
For now, NOPE.
Do I feel like our life is in shambles? No.
However, I have enough flesh that wants to know the reason why. Why is this happening to us? Why do we have 2 children who will have had open-heart surgery? Why does this have to happen to us?
Why, why, why?
We know we aren’t going to have the answers. I know the right answer to the question, but my soul is weak and tender to the circumstance.
Weakness In Spiritual Leadership
I ache as the father of this family. Aren’t I suppose to do more for them? Why can’t I protect them better than this? What do I need to do?
To be honest, this round of having open-heart surgery is not as difficult as the first one. Nonetheless, this still sucks. In fact, to some extreme, this is harder.
From a cardiac standpoint, not as difficult. (Although, this additional sickness is making it pretty bad.) But from a leadership standpoint, really tough.
I Don’t Know How
We have two kids at home and one in the hospital right now. Two kids that are sick and being watched by friends. One kid in the hospital because of RSV and other issues. I can’t be both at home and in the hospital.
Noah needs open-heart surgery, but is not able to have it until he gets cleared from RSV. In fact, they won’t let him to go into open-surgery until 6 weeks after the RSV.
“Seriously? We have to wait now?”
“Our son’s heart needs to be fixed!!”
I want to be positive and uplifting, but I am struggling with that. I want to step in and support, protect, and provide for my family, but I feel my hands are tied.
I am tired. Steph is tired. To the surprise of many, this battle did NOT just start for us. It has been for 4 full months. Noah has been struggling all along. We are sleep deprived, energy deprived, and encouragement deprived.
Right now, Stephanie stays at the hospital as I come home at night with the kids. As I write this, I am not sure who is getting better sleep. Steph sleeping in the ICU in a chair and I am herding in our constantly awakening children at home. I am sitting on the couch right now, looking across the room at Stephen on the other couch. (5:30am)
I just got off the phone with Steph. We both got about 4 hours of sleep last night.
We are just tired.
Hunkering Down And Locking In
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
For you are with me;
Your rod and your staff,
They comfort me.
– Psalm 23:4
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9–10
“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been give to us.” Romans 5:3–5
Taking Care Of The Why
Why? I don’t know.
Why? Because we have a Father that reigns supreme to my questions and reasoning.
Why? Because we are comforted through God’s loving grace.
Why? Because we are more conquerors through all trials and tribulations.
Why? Because we serve and glorify the one true God.
Why? Because we must become less as Jesus becomes more.
I cannot answer the questions that are rising from my flesh, but my soul is hunkering down to God’s loving grace. We constantly look for the answers, but sometimes we just need to focus on the one true constant answer.